Sometimes life throws lemons. Other times, it just says, “Fuck you, you don’t deserve lemons” and drops an anvil on your head.
And you know what? Those times suck.
But you can’t just take it lying down. You have to step up and dust yourself off… keep moving. (Ignoring of course, the fact that you wouldn’t technically be able to move after an anvil dropped on your head. That’s beside the point.)
On a somewhat related note: People are always going to let you down. There’s no real way around that. Which is maybe why I always have my guard up. Some say I’m hard to read, and that they can’t really tell what I’m thinking most of the time. I say, I’m being cautious. The reason being, maybe I don’t always want people to see. I don’t need them to see what I’m feeling, because if I did, perhaps they might not like what they see. Maybe it’s a fear of rejection? Who knows. But by having my guard up, it’s harder to get hurt.
Maybe that’s not right of me. Maybe it’s ridiculous, and hey – it might even be detrimental to my friendships. But I find that the moment I let that guard down…hell turns loose. I end up confused and annoyed. It’s hard to be honest sometimes. It’s hard to express yourself.
I find myself more and more distant from people, because I’m so used to being let down. I’m so used to being told, “Hey, sorry BUT….” that I just want to shut myself off from the world and say “Fuck it”.
Some days, all I want to do is just walk. For a very long time, and keep walking. Me, music, the road, and the sky. I enjoy that. It reminds me that there are small, insignificant things to be enjoyed in life, and life isn’t all about trying to please people. It’s about finding yourself, creating yourself, and letting go of the things and the people that hold you down. What’s hard is that the more I try to be open with others, and the closer I let them get to me, the more I’m left disappointed. Because few people are who I thought they were, and it seems they all expect something different of me. But what’s wrong with me? What’s hard to handle?
Honestly, it’s odd. Because I’m naturally a very open person, and will speak my mind – or do I? I don’t know. It’s something I need to really ask myself. Me and myself could use a little talk-time I guess.
I just need a break from disappointment. I need to get my head straight, my priorities right, and get myself on track again.Was the above ramble just a bunch of confusion? Yeah, most likely. And I don’t really expect anyone to understand all the mixed thoughts that are flying all over the place like paint splatters on an abstract work of art.
But I’d give pretty much anything for this year to just end.
Anything at all.
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Stolen from the cookie monster. That doesn’t make it any less true or relevant.