Doorman Rant

Hey.
I’m not a bouncer, or a host…
And I’m not stupid or an idiot and you can’t fool me…
And I don’t know Dave, Steve or Jim,
Although I’m sure you think they work here.
I have a real job, not just this one.
And I make more money than you.
I’ve seen just about every kind of fake I.D.,
And I know where to find the birthday on an Alberta drivers license.
Yes there are two line ups,
And no you can’t stand in V.I.P.
Yes it will take a long time to get in,
And no, you’re not special.
There is a dress code,
Those are runners, not white leather dress shoes.
Girls can wear what ever they want.
We don’t have to let you in if we don’t want to.
No, life’s not fair…first time at night club?
Reservations are over at nine.
You will have to pay the cover.
If you don’t have ten dollars, we don’t want you to come in anyway.
I’m sorry, but I see 2000 people every week, you haven’t been here for two months…
I don’t remember your name.
The bartenders can’t come to door in the middle of a Saturday night just to get you in.
We don’t have club courtesy for Blockbuster.
If you puke you can’t go back inside.
I’m not being rude, I just don’t like you.
I’m not racist, I just don’t like you.
Andy’s not here…
I’m not Cass…
Punch buggy is a fun game.
Stu really is a doorman.
I don’t need your life story if you want to come outside.
It doesn’t take four guys to get a pack of smokes.
Don’t ever touch me unless I say it’s O.K.
He’s not always like that, it’s the juice.
Don’t tell me you’re going to shoot me, YOU WON’T DO IT!
Yes, I think I’m pretty tough, and yes I have six other guys standing behind me.
My name is none of your business!!!
AND I AM A DOORMAN!!!!!!!!!