Man, if I had tits I’d never leave the house, looking in a mirror all day, wishing I was prettier
okay. calm down. yes, she’s beautiful. but think this through. think about your girlfriend, sitting at home. did she remember to install the hidden cameras?
My new years resolution is to find a better hobby. But not tonight. Tonight I am going to vomit under that couch.
Holiday boredom drives me to cruelty. “Hey Grandma, knock knock?” ‘Who’s there?’ “Who’s where Grandma? … Did you take your medicine?”
I said I would never leave you. But come on. What are you, new?
How many dead babies does it take to turn every stomach pain into sick guilt?
I truly respect the women of my congregation, but God gave me lust. And he gave them bitches tits til Tuesday.
I ordered a baby to show off at my high school reunion. Everyone was so jealous. Then I broke its leg and sent it back for a refund.
A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move bodies. But if you have to move your best friend’s body, you’re on your own.
We are terrible for each other, and, yes, we are a disaster. But tell me your heart doesn’t race for a hurricane or a burning building. I’d rather die terrified than live forever.
I brought you back to life picturing chaos and excitement, not to be your brains delivery boy. Get off your ass if you’re hungry, you lazy zombie fuck.
I spend my hours surrounded by people who apologize for every touch. So today I hugged a stranger, and a thousand lonely people rioted.
i FREEDOM FIGHTER BOMBING love you whether you reply or JIHAD not. if my GODLESS WESTERN PRESIDENT letters are flagged, our love will outlive us in their SUBWAY SARIN GAS computers
Work is a vampire that sucks me dry. Which is a metaphor. But still the reason I stuck a chair leg though my manager.
I’ve always known I’d be a bank robber. So judge all you want, ladies and gentlemen. Because you never did become an astronaut.
Wish number one was all my ex-girlfriends turned into cats. Wish number two was a burlap sack. Wish number three was the new Nintendo DS Lite.
Black cats, ladders, and broken mirrors. That was all fine. Egging that hearse was where we went wrong.
I built a machine to hear duck thoughts, a haunting chorus “now we will rise up, now we will kill them a- WAIT! IS THAT POPCORN!?!”
When we kiss, I can hear your thoughts. So I would rather we didn’t.
I think you are beautiful and I would like to kiss you. I can think up some clever lines, if you’d prefer. But I wanted to say that, first.
I love when people misinterpret brutally depressing songs. Like Born in the USA. Or Happy Birthday.
Ah, love at first sight. When you see someone so beautiful that you forget they aren’t there just for you.
I cannot help but notice we are sitting-in-a-tree. So, you know, maybe we could think of something to do… verb-wise.
When Kurt Vonnegut suggested that you stop once in a while to say, “If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is,” He was giving you the best mid-makeout move ever.
She called me history’s greatest monster? Really? You tell her that I am history’s handsomest monster.
Judge if you want. We are all going to die. I intend to deserve it.
I learned to pick locks to get at your heart but failed. I got into your house though.
If you repeat a word again and again it loses its meaning. Apparently this also works with heartbreak.
If one more stranger snuggle-molests me, you motherfuckers will wish you’d never come down from the trees.
You can still back out before anyone gets hurt. No one will think less of you. But I did pack these lunches for bank robbers only.
Some nights, you get out to the alley behind the bar, and you’re just drunk enough to ask that stranger for a hug job.
The dark arts are just like every other drug. Not so interesting after you find out your mom does it.
Love is like a kitten. Feisty and stupid and oh my gosh awesome and you want like six more when that one gets old.
I feel like I haven’t been living my life. I just want to do at least one illegal thing to you tonight.
I like my women like I like my squirrels. Preternaturally intelligent.
Sometimes I come up with the best plans during sex. We will all die so gloriously, that ever having lived will seem like folly.
What can you do with a drunken sailor? What can you do with a drunken sailor? Man, what can’t you do with a drunken sailor?
All my dreams came true. I just didn’t think them through.
For christmas this year I got the girl of my dreams. And my friends got arrested on kidnapping charges. No, wait. Maybe I should tell those stories seperately.
Yes. Yes I am the fluffiest kitty oh my gosh ever. And every day I learn how to make myself smarter and fluffier. I am the fluffy singularity.
The city sometimes feels like a movie set. Maybe this is the big scene. Maybe I can be an extra at least.
Man, if I had a nickel for every time someone ran over your cat, and was unsure hot to tell you but was really sorry… I’d have ten cents.
Yes I know that’s our rainy day money. Rain makes me crazy. Please just come bail me out.
I can be happy alone, sure. I can be happy without ice cream, too. If we’re being hypothetical.
I don’t know why a doctor can’t ask out his patients. I’ve seen inside you already. So it’s not like it’s awkward.
They took me from my home. Tied me up. Beat me. It was awesome. I can give you their card if you want.
When you are feeling low, I will be there to feel you up.
I didn’t intentionally create those creatures to destroy our way of life. Obviously.
I found a spell to make you love me. In my mom’s room. Now I don’t know what to believe.
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Unless I use his eyes to replace my own.
Jesus, look at her. I’m glad she can’t tell what I’m thinking. Or insert thoughts into my head. I’m such an ass. Yummy dolphin nuptuals. Wait. What?
Calm down guys. We can ride this out. Just convert all our stock to kittens for now. They just get fluffier and fluffier.
She wasn’t perfect, but I loved her, you know? I would kill everyone here to bring her back. Anyway, good luck class of 2008.
You were not a mistake. I made the right choice, keeping you. Given the information I had at the time.
Those who would sacrifice Liberty for Security are eligible for a tax credit!
It’s okay to care about privacy even if you aren’t a criminal. Because maybe you just aren’t a criminal yet.
I had all kinds of plans in case of a zombie attack. I just figured I’d be on the other side.
If you would just change your mind about me, it wouldn’t be creepy that I’m in the trunk of your car. It could be a game or something!
I drove that car into the ocean. And if you don’t see why that is awesome, maybe you shouldn’t be in the business of renting out cars.
If I could only bring three things to a desert island, all three would be you. And I’d make you all kiss.
At parties I slip a crumbled pill into her drink, so she can still say medication is for chumps. But for a couple of hours, her smile comes easily.
I want the woman who yells at potted plants at the library. Yes, she’s clearly troubled, but she’s not helpless. She doesn’t take any shit from vegetables, for instance.
God talks to me. The world will have to burn. I don’t question Him. It’s jsut… I have this pile of books I’ve been meaning to get to.
What would god do? That question is always in my heart. A can of kerosene is always the answer.
I woke up and everyone on earth was gone. This is going to be like a nightmare. Any day now.
They are always watching. Always listening, recording everything. So I sing into the phone sometimes. Maybe it cheers them up.
If at first, you don’t succeed… run.
I’m not alone. My friends are just all invisible.
I’m a lover. You’re a liar. What’s the difference anymore?
Cyanide tastes like almonds. They won’t suspect a thing.
Without you, lights were brighter, colors more vibrant, life simpler. I crawled back. Now it’s just grey.
We want your soul. But not in a creepy kind of way.